Proverbs 15

Being a mom is hard. It's tiring and it's challenging. You give every ounce of your being to your children - sometimes leaving not enough for your husband or yourself. There are days when you feel asleep wondering, 'what did I even accomplish today?'

You can forgot that raising your child is a privlege - in my case, one I very dearly wanted. You can forgot that your little ones are the ultimate expressions of the love you share with your husband and the love that God has for us. You can forget that God blessed you with the responsibility of shaping this little person into who they are intended to be.

Here is the thing - measuring the worth of a mother isn't tangible. There isn't a scale, or consistent gratification. The work a mom does while her children are young will show, but maybe not in a cemented sense until her children are adults.

I got angry with Gabe on Thursday. I got angry because I wanted to go to my MOPS meeting and he didn't want to go. Should he have listened when I told him it was time to go? Probably. When I sensed how upset he was, should I have turned around and gone home? Absolutely. But I didn't. I spanked him for not listening to my instruction to get in his car seat. Then I carried him screaming and crying into his classroom and went to my meeting.

I'm horrified to type this scenario. Horrified that it was me who did this. How selfish, how unfair. I so badly wanted to do something for my own spiritual well-being, that I didn't think of how my actions towards Gabe might break his spirit.

And because God is so awesome, don't you know the topic of our MOPS meeting was anger and our children?

In that moment at the car, I forgot my joy. I forgot that Gabe is mine - a precious gift from God unlike any other. I put my needs before his. I lost my cheerful heart.

I don't know why this day was bad. I can't tell you what made me lose it. I can tell you that my prayers the last few nights have resonated on Proverbs 15:13 - 'A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.'

I give thanks today for grace and for forgiveness. I give thanks that when I went to check on Gabe 10 minutes after I left him, he was playing happily. I give thanks that when I picked him up, he ran to me with shouts of, 'hi mommy, hi mommy!' I don't think I deserved that, I think he was easy on me.